walking the sacred spiral
walking the sacred spiral
“I should have more patience by now.”
“By now, I should not be falling for these manipulations of his.”
“By now, I should know how to (fill in the blank) better.”
“You should understand this by now.”
“You should have learned all these things by now.”
“You should know better by now.”
“He should be doing better in school by now.”
“She should have gotten over her grief from that loss by now.”
“He should have put the war behind him by now.”
Do you feel encouraged when you read those sentences? Probably not.
“By now…” is an arbitrary little phrase tucked into a sentence that can bring with it feelings of shame and inadequacy. Yet discouragement rarely motivates the action we wanted to stimulate by use of that phrase.
My mother used to say, “You’re never too old or too young to have your feelings hurt.” She often remarked to me when we witnessed someone speaking about their child’s problems to another adult in front of the child, that such behavior deflated that child’s confidence and publicly embarrassed them.
It leaves the child feeling that something is terribly wrong, and that it’s his or her fault. It seems as if something is wrong, not with their skill level, but with the person’s essence. It’s as if we had cast a negative spell over them that would change their entire view of who they were and who they could become with simply a few unguarded words.
It isn’t just our children we unintentionally cast negative spells upon. When we talk about ourselves this way–either to others, or just inwardly to ourselves–we diminish our own ability to respond in the very way in which we want to improve. You’ve experienced this, haven’t you?
Who is to say there is a perfect timing that you or your child should match? You are not statistics, but individuals. In all of time, there has never been one of you before. How can anyone really know what is the right and perfect timing for you, or for your child? Not even you can know that, except by observing the time it takes. This is how we know what the right timing is: it is the time it takes. Divine timing doesn’t always comply with statistical measures.
Professional opinions are valuable, and can be supplemented with careful attention, research, listening and love to help us decide if, when, and what kind of support might be needed.
Help is normal. We all need help at some times in some areas of our lives, and, when needed, we should have it. We can approach getting help in that way–as normal–rather than adding it to an unhappy “by now...” conversation.
As creative people, let’s be courageous enough to seek the help we need when we do need it without shame or embarrassment (or, if necessary, in spite of these!) and to fully use the abilities we have.
If we aren’t good at something, we don’t need to bemoan it as if normal meant excellence in everything. We each have our own normal.
Consider the possibility that the Infinite Creator loves us, knows us intimately well, and also knows that we are whole, complete and perfect, just as we are. We each learn and grow and become. We can each seek and find great help, and we can give it to others, as well.
The most supportive, compassionate people I’ve known were not always the most brilliant ones, but they made huge differences in many lives. The inventive people who changed the world weren’t always gifted with social graces. These may not have been average people, but our lives are better because of them.
Maybe statistical norms need these variations so we can each be extraordinary in our own way. Relax. Your kids may not fit the statistics. You might not either. Instead of trying to make a fit that isn’t there, find the fit that is there. Honor the amazing creation that is. Learn about it and support it to be all it can become, happily and supported with love.
A 2-Word Pitfall to Avoid
Tuesday, March 24, 2015